A Letter To Madelyn Grace

My Beautiful Daughter,

Each time I look at you I get so caught up in wondering who you’re going to be when you grow up that I forget that we have a very long way to go before that happens. So I wanted to take a little bit of time to sit down and write out a few things that I hope you will always take with you thru life.

First off, don’t let the world make you angry. There will be many times in your life that you will not agree with the cards you’re dealt but you’ll need to learn to embrace it, deal with it and move on. We can’t always control the way the wind blows but we can adjust our sails and go wherever we want to go even if it takes us a little bit longer to get there. Having said that, always ALWAYS remember that everything happens for a reason. Don’t let anybody tell you differently!! Always keep your faith, in yourself and in God. Know that no matter where you go, who you’re with, or what you’re doing God is there with you. He will never put more on you than you can handle even if you think you are at your wits end, just trust in Him to help you through difficult situations.

Always be true to yourself. Don’t ever change for anybody…be you. I promise, you will be much better off if you go through life being true to who you are instead of who people want you to be. Never feel like you aren’t enough, You Are! Make sure you stand firm in your beliefs.

Make sure to understand that not everybody in this world is out to do good. There are many people who would rather cheat you and stab you in the back before they would help you. Unfortunately you sometimes won’t’ know the difference between the good people and the bad people until it’s too late. There are people out there who would do anything to help you, those are the ones you need to keep near you. Be softhearted but strong enough to say no. Understand that there are people will use you until you finally have enough or you have nothing left. Some people just don’t care about anything or anybody other than themselves, make sure you’re not one of them. One of the biggest problems I have is I’m so softhearted and do not say NO quick enough. I trust to easily and because of that I have been hurt so many times. I don’t want you to ever feel that pain although I know it’s inevitable. You will feel it, probably more than once, but know that not everybody in this world will do you wrong. Be very careful of those you open your heart to but don’t be so hard that you turn everybody away and become sour. Be the best person you can be no matter how many times you’re wronged.

As your mommy this subject pains me. Romance…when you become interested in boys (or girls) don’t ever settle for less than you know you deserve! Before you settle down and get married, make sure you know who you are as an individual. Make sure you know what it feels like to be independent and to have your own things because you have worked for them. You have to be completely happy with who you are before you can be happy with someone else. Don’t let someone come into your life and give you a bunch of empty promises. Make sure every promise is followed through, not only on their side but yours as well. Don’t promise something you cannot carry out, that causes too much heartache. Don’t settle for someone who does not make your heart smile. Your lips can fake a smile but your heart cannot so until you feel your heart smiling, keep going. You will know when you find the person that you’re meant to be with. Know what you want before getting into a relationship. Make sure you don’t make exceptions for someone just b/c they’re a sweet talker, be wise enough to know the difference between truth and lies. Find someone who doesn’t complete you, you’re already complete…find someone who makes you a better you.

My biggest piece of advice I want you to remember is to stay simple!! Do not ever forget where you came from!! You’re just a tiny little baby still but you will understand by the time you’re able to read this and comprehend it what I mean when I say stay simple. Don’t be one of those complicated and high maintenance women.

There’s probably a lot more that I’ll throw in here over time but right now know that your mommy will always be here for you. I will always love you with every piece of my heart no matter what you do. You and me, we got a bond that nobody can ever understand and I will always try to keep it that way.

With All My Love,

Mommy

One Month

Madelyn Grace,

Four days ago you turned one month old! It's so very hard to believe that it's already been one month since i first laid eyes on your beautiful little face. One month since they pulled you out of me and you cried one itty bitty cry then they had you all bundled up letting me see you and kiss you before they took you to get cleaned up with daddy.

When you were born, that was the happiest day of my life, hands down! Every day that goes by I love you more and more. You are an amazing little girl and I'm so lucky that I get the chance to be your mommy!

 I look at your now laying over there in your swing sleeping and I think to myself that I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm glad you're finally here! I love watching you sleep. Your face changes so many times when you're dreaming, one minute you look like you're about to cry then your face changes to one of total bliss...then it'll change to a smile (which completely, totally and utterly melts my heart) then your eyebrows will go down and i can hear your Mimi saying "Eyebrows up, young lady!"

Have I told you today that I love you? I know I have, I tell you all the time how much mommy loves her little baby girl but you should just get used to it. I will tell you this every day several times a day until I have no breath left in me to say it, then I will tell you with my hands and you will forever see it in my eyes when I look at you. You are my heart and soul. Your little hands already hold my heart in them and your little feet will always be walking with all my love. You are my everything and I hope you always remember that!

I love you more than you can ever imagine but I know that when you grow up and get married and have your own babies you will understand the kind of love a mother feels for her child. I love you till the east touches teh west and the stars fall from the sky. <3

Week 3

At 8:38 am, three weeks ago today, you were born. That day will forever be in my heart cause just as I knew I would, as soon as I laid eyes on you I felt a love I've never known. I knew I loved you before I ever saw you but seeing you, well that's like seeing the beauty of the world for the first time and understanding what you're looking at. Looking at you, I knew that every path my life has taken had led me to that moment, when they placed you beside me all bundled up and let me kiss you before they gave you to your daddy and wheeled yall away to go clean you up and measure you. That moment is one of those moments that I can see every time I close my eyes. You were perfect. I didn't count your little fingers or your little toes, I didn't care about anything in that moment but relishing the beauty of my daughter looking back at me with her grey eyes. I wanted to tell you "welcome to the world my beautiful little girl" and hold you there with me but they had to fix mommy's tummy. Turns out you are stubborn and quite the little eater. You never turned upside down (I don't blame you, I like to be right side up too)  and you were too big for mommy to have you normal so we had to take you straight out of my tummy for your safety. It's okay tho, I would do it 10 times over if it meant having you!

We stayed in the hospital for a couple days and your daddy was a trooper! The day i had you the Dr's kept me pretty much asleep so I wouldn't hurt but your daddy stepped right up and took over. You had lots of visitors (some we didn't like and didn't invite) and you had your Mimi and aunt prpl there along with your family here. When we left, mommy pinched your little finger getting you all buckled in to your car seat and I almost cried as much as you. I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to and I felt terrible but that won't ever happen again. I know to watch out for your little flailing arms cause you don't like being buckled in.

Being at home with you is amazing. I hold you in my arms for hours and hours and just stare at you. You are so perfect and beautiful. You are a wonderful baby,  you only cry when you're hungry or naked and as soon as you're fed and/or clothed you're good! You smile a lot when you're sleeping or staring off into the distance. People tell me babies talk to angels and loved ones gone on before us so I hope you see your Dada, Pepaw and my nanny cause I know they all are your guardian angels, among other people that have passed. I love your cute little smile. I love your little toes, your little feet, your bowed legs... I love everything about you! You are amazing.

I am so glad you're here with me now and I promise you that no matter where we go in life, where you go in life, I will always be right beside you. I love you my little angel.

Better late than never...

I know its been a while since I've written but thats because I've been so busy!

Let me start by saying I absolutely cannot wait for you to get here! Every day I feel you inside of me reminds me just how miraculous you are.
I started feeling you move the night your daddy and I got married. I had felt you before but I didnt know it was you in there moving around. The night your daddy and I got married, we laid in bed and I felt you move and knew it for sure it was you. Now I feel you kicking me all the time, I think you like using my bladder as a trampokine and you love pushing your head against the top part of my belly. The first time your daddy felt my belly and felt you move I thought he would pass out! His eyes got as big as saucers and said theres no way he could ever be a woman and have something moving around inside him like that. One day, when you grow up and get married, I hope you get the chance to feel your very own baby moving around in your belly and I hope you remember reading this and how it felt with you inside mommys tummy.
I sometimes lay in the the tub or the bed and watch you push my belly out in weird angles.

Tomorrow you will be 28 weeks old inside of me. We sure have had a long road up to this point but all the pain, all the scares and all the yucky bland food I have to eat on this diet until you're born is worth it! You are about 2 1/2 lbs but youre healthy and full of energy it feels like. I'm not sure if you're tired of being in there but it feels like sometimes youre trying to kick your way out like a little ninja! Stay in there in your little safe home for a little while longer baby, then you can come into this world and come home to live in our new house with me and your daddy.

I can't wait to meet you and I hope that all my fears will disappear when they lay you in my arms. I hope that once you are here everything I feel like I will not be prepared for just comes naturally. And I hope that you know I will forever love you and you already have someone that would give their life for you.

Today is the day...

Today me and your daddy go to the dr to have pictures made of you inside mommys tummy. We are hoping to see whether you are a little boy or a little girl, not that it matters but I know you don't want to be in nothin but yellow for the first three months and that's all mommy can find that is gender neutral. ;)

I promise you this, I will NEVER be disappointed with the outcome. Whether you are a boy or a girl will have no changes in my heart for you. You will always be my special miracle and I will always love you with every fiber of my being.

There's a lot of times when I sit and think about my life and the things I have been through and have seen. There are a lot of things I'm not happy about and a lot of blessings that were in disguises that I didn't See at the time. I want you to know that through all of those 34 years (at least the ones I can remember) YOU are the biggest and best blessing I could ever have asked for! I know I've told you many times how much I've dreamt of having a baby and have waited a very long time for you so I won't tell you again, I will say that you have given me a new look on my life and I can't wait to see you! I can't promise to be the best but I promise to hold your hand through all your obstacles and get you as far as we can go together. I promise to push you when you need that little push and to try my best to hold you back from any harmful situation that I foresee. I will always be beside you and try to do the best that I can. I will make you mad because I will be your parent more than your friend but I will always listen to you when you need someone to talk to. I want to be "the cool mom" but I want to be your mom none the less!

I love you more than you will ever know and more than you could ever imagine.

Week 18

Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks pregnant with you! I haven't written in a few weeks because I've been so busy watching my body change while you get bigger.

You have made my already big belly even bigger. I even ripped right out of my favorite jeans because you're growing so big! But it's okay, I love knowing that you're growing so big and getting strong so you can come meet me and your daddy. You have sooo many people waiting for you! I'm pretty sure none of them are as impatient as I am! I cannot wait until they put you in my arms for the first time. I know that there will be a million emotions run through my mind when you come into this world. There will be admiration, fear, love, amazement, how utterly miraculous you are, and a determination to do all that is within my power to never let you down.

Every day when I think of you I get scared that I will not be enough for you. So when you get old enough and you read this, know that every mistake I've made thus far is not because I did not care or because I did not try but know that I have done the best that I can do for you. You will ALWAYS come first to me. I hope that I can be the parent that I want to be. Know that when I tell you no I do so for your own good. When I make you mad I don't do it on purpose, there will always be a reason why and just because I make you mad doesn't mean I love you any less. You are a part of me and always will be. You are a product of the greatest love I have ever known. When I tell people about me and your daddy and our love story, you will be the main character! You and your daddy have given me everything I've ever wanted and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world!

I read that you can hear now. Do you hear me playing you the music box for you? Do you hear your daddy playing the guitar? I love listening to him play the guitar so I know you will too. Maybe it will put you at ease like it does mommy. Do you hear me talking to you? I hope you will always be comforted by my voice. I hope that I will always be there when you need me to be and know that I will forever be available to you my sweet baby. I'm ready to feel you move already! I saw you move on the ultrasound but I haven't felt you yet. Will you wiggle a little and let me know you're in there!? I can hear your heartbeat and that's mommy's reassurance that you're doin okay. Next week we will see you again and hopefully be able to tell if you're a little boy or a little girl! IF you cooperate :) seems you're a little stubborn when I go to the dr. You like to hide and give the dr a run for their money and not let then find your heartbeat. Gonna take after your daddy I see ;)

I'm going to Write again next week after I know if I'm talking to a baby girl or a baby boy.

I love you to the ends of the world my baby!

Week 12

Today I am 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant with you. You look more like a baby now instead of an alien. Your head is bigger than your body b/c your brain is so big and you're already getting smart inside mommys tummy. You have fingernails now, I hope you don't decide to get mad at me and claw me from in there. ;)

Mommy's belly is starting to grow making room for you. My muscles are stretching and causing lots of pain but it's worth it knowing you're in there and growing to be a big healthy baby. I read about your growth every week as you progress, wondering what's going on in mommy's belly with you. I read that you will start making sucking motions this week and your reflexes are starting to work. It says if I poke my belly you will squirm, but I wouldn't do that to you!

It's still unreal to me even though I've seen pictures of you that you're in there. It's amazing what love can do! Love made you!!! I see babies all the time and I can't help but wonder what you're going to look like when you're born. Are you going to look like me or your daddy? Will you have my coloring or his? My eyes or his? Can you hurry and get here already?? Actually, just take your time and get healthy while you're inside my tummy. Make sure you let me know what I am doing wrong so i can do all I can to help you grow in my belly.

I went into a store yesterday and bought you your very first pajama set. I can't wait to see you in it! Since I don't know whether you're a boy or a girl I bought you a yellow suit...you'll be my little ducky. :) I can't wait to hold you and give you all my sugars. You have no idea how much you are already loved even before I've met you!!! I am so excited to meet you and even though you're not here yet, you already have my heart wrapped around your little tiny hands. If I already am this much in love with you then I can't imagine how it's going to be when you're actually here! I'm going to apologize now for loving you so much...on second thought, no I'm not. I will always love you and always put you first no matter what. I've waited all my life for you and I might not be the perfect mommy but I promise to give it all I've got to make sure you're happy.

Hurry and start growing so I can feel you and talk to you will ya!! :)

Week 10

I guess you noticed I missed a week... :(  There was so much going on last week that I didn't have time to write. Guess what?? We surprised your Mimi in Florida last week and she cried every time she looked at me! Then she would cry again every time she would see someone with a baby and she'd look at me. That's how happy we are that you are growing inside mommy's belly. When we left Florida to come home, everybody was trying to rub you in my belly. Did you feel them? It was great to see everybody and we all can't wait until we're together again and passing you around!

My body is having a rough time adjusting to you and I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure everything is as easy as possible for your little body to nourish and grow. I can't wait to meet you!!! I see all kinds of cute things I want to buy you but it's hard to buy for a baby when you don't know whether you're a little boy or a little girl. I don't care which  you are, as long as you are healthy. I want everything to be as perfect for you as I can possibly  make it and I'll give you my word that I will always do everything I can for you baby, Always.

I didn't think I could be more in love with your daddy than I was but with you growing inside me, I love him more and more every day. He has truly been my strength when I fail and when I get worried. He's the voice of reasoning when I get frustrated with things. He's there beside me telling me everything is going to be okay and I don't know if it's my love and your love combined but my heart is soooo swollen with love for him (and you of course) and I am so blessed to have him in my life. We are blessed to have you too!!

We saw you again this week. I got to see you bouncing around in mommy's tummy, it kind of looked like you were either dancing or throwing a fit. ;)  Then we had to go back to doctor that night and daddy got to see you dancing too. He doesn't know it but I couldn't see you because the doctor was standing in the way but I watched his face when he saw you moving, I think he felt the same aww as I felt when I saw you moving around. Seeing you moving and your little heart beating is the most reassuring thing I have ever experienced.

I love you, Kitten and I will continue to pray for you to grow healthy and strong. I will write every week of your progress so you will one day be able to look back and see how mommy was feeling when she was pregnant with you and the changes her body made.

<3

Week 8

Today mommy is 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant with you. I know that doesn't seem like much but it seems like a lifetime ago when I found out I was pregnant. These past three weeks (I found out for sure at 5 weeks) have been the happiest days of my life even if my raging scrambled hormones has made it difficult to see that. Knowing that you are in my tummy growing bigger and stronger every day keeps me going.

I try not to get too upset for fear of hurting you and taking it easy when I can. I don't want anything to hurt you because I have waited my entire life for you and I cannot wait to meet you! I hope when you get a little bigger in mommy's tummy you will be able to hear my heart telling you the story of how I've prayed for you for a very long time. It will be a story that only you and I will know, a story that we would never be able to explain to anyone. They just wouldn't understand.

Kitten, you and your daddy have taken my heart and filled it to the very top with joy and happiness. I never knew a love like my love for your daddy existed until him and I never knew that I could be head over heels in love with something I could not see until you (although I fell in love with your daddy long before I saw him). I know you're just a little tiny seed in my belly but I imagine when I put my hand on my tummy you can feel that, you feel secure and safe knowing that my hand will always be wrapped Around you keeping you as safe as I possibly can or the rest of my life. I promise to always put your needs before my own and to never let you feel alone. You are mommy's miracle and I will tell you that every day for the rest of your life.

I read a lot of stuff about pregnancy because you are my first baby so I'm new to being pregnant and not sure what to expect. I took a hot bath last night to rest my feet but then I got scared that I ha the water too warm. The dr told me today that my body will tell me when I'm not doing something right so as soon as you're old enough in there help mommy out. Make sure I know what you like and what you don't so we can get thru this 7 months together more easily. Help me be the best mommy I can be before I ever lay eyes on your precious face.

I can't wait until you're here. I can't wait until I see you for the first time and hear your cries. I'm going to cry and mommy has a yucky cry face but I'm sure you won't mind because you will know by then how much I love you and how excited and anxious I was to meet you!! WE are so ready to meet you my sweet baby.

Love,

Your Mommy

Week 7

Guess what?? Your mommy and daddy saw you for the very first time today! We saw you in mommy's belly and we heard your little heart beating. The nurse pointed out your heart and it looked like a little butterfly in your chest trying to fly away. Right now your heart is beating almost as twice as mommy's b/c you're a growing baby and it's trying to pump the blood through your tiny body. Have I told you how excited I am and blessed that I have you finally? And how long I've been waiting on you? If not I am soooooo excited and you are the very best Christmas present I've EVER gotten! Gotta give your daddy big props on getting me some awesome presents. ;)

I am 7 weeks pregnant with you today. It's already hard for me to button my jeans and I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be getting bigger yet so I'm thinking you're gonna be a big baby like your daddy was. So far you're not too picky about what we eat although you seem to like it when mommy is lazy cause I find myself piled up on the couch more and more when I'm home wanting to do absolutely nothing. I don't want to clean or cook or eat, I just want to lay there and relax. Most of the time I don't want to move b/c I'm too sick to my stomach to want to do much of anything. I DO know you have made my sense of smell intensify by 100! Daddy laughs at me b/c I can smell everything, even if it's just a little bitty smell. You certainly have made it hard for me to work where I work right this minute b/c of the smells here, if I yawn I gag but that's okay cause you're so worth it. I wouldn't care if I threw up every day as long as I knew we would both make it through this pregnancy okay. :)

This is you right now. You are 7.7 CM long which is about the size of a Blueberry. You are the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on. Your tiny heart is about the only thing we can make out in the picture. Your brain is still growing and your eyes are starting to have color. I hope you have your daddy's eyes b/c mommy loves them and I know if I love looking into his eyes then I will adore looking into yours.

There are lots and lots of people excited for us and ready to meet you my sweet baby. I'm not the only one that has waited for you, we were just waiting until God thought it was the right moment to let it happen. He put me and your daddy together and we made a perfect vow, YOU.

Sleep well my kitten.

Week 6

Today I am six weeks pregnant with you.

I am still in shock that I have a baby (you!) growing inside of my belly. I am trying to read everything I can to make sure I am doing everything possible to make sure you're healthy and getting what you need to grow properly. I am afraid to sneeze in fear of hurting you which is silly, I know, but since I've waited for you so long I don't want to take any chances in losing you. So far you're not really making mommy feel bad and I hope it continues that way. You're not really making me sick (other than if I eat something you don't like) and the sleepiness I am dealing with by taking short naps on the weekends and going to bed rather early on the week nights. You are making my tata's sore which is okay since they are preparing themselves for you and feeding you. If it means making sure you get the best possible nourishment then bring on the pain!!

I found out last night that you don't like taco salad. Mommy had a yummy taco salad but I guess it wasn't what you wanted b/c you had me get rid of it pretty quickly. We're going to have to work on what you like and what you don't so I don't spend too much time with my head buried in the toilet! :) But, you're worth every bit of it, I already know that. Each day that goes by while you're in my tummy, I have to tell myself that you're in there. You're so still b/c you haven't grown enough to be moving around yet. I know that when the time comes I'll eat my words wanting you to move around. I know there will be a time when you're cutting flips in my belly or kicking me in my ribs letting me know you're in there. Maybe by then we'll know whether you're going to be our football star or our little ballerina. 

I caught myself window shopping (well, this day and age we don't actually GO anywhere really to window shop, we do everything on the internet cause we have become lazy like that) for baby items for you. I don't know if you're a little boy or a little girl yet so I don't know whether to buy blue items or pink frilly items! I just want to see you, I want to hear your heart beat knowing that you're really in there and it's not too good to be true!

Your hands and fingers are starting to grow now and your brain is growing like a genius. I just know you're going to be one smart baby!

Sleep well, my baby.

Hello, Kitten

Let me start out by saying I have waited for you for many many many years. I have spent many hours on my knees talking to God about you, praying that He will bless me with my very own angel, my very own you. And so here you are....after all these years and after all this time I finally have you growing inside of my tummy. When I met your daddy and fell in love with him I knew that I wanted to have babies with him. I knew that I would want to spend the rest of my life with him and have a family. You my little kitten, complete us.

Yesterday (January 15, 2013) I found out I was pregnant with you. I woke up the night before at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep and I silently prayed to God and to your da-da who is in Heaven to let me be pregnant. I just knew in my heart I was setting myself up for disappointment since I truly thought I was unable to have children, but you had other plans. I guess you were ready to be with me just like I was ready to be with you. I even dreamed about you that night after I was able to fall back asleep...I saw it in my head, my reaction when I looked at the pregnancy test and it had the positive lines showing that I was pregnant. I saw myself looking at the test and sinking to my knees crying with a million thoughts running through my head. I pictured how I would tell your daddy that we were going to have a baby, that the one thing I wanted to give him that I thought I never could would be you, but again you had other plans. :)

This is the first one I took...This is the one that almost made me faint. I didn't know whether to believe it or not.

 Then just to make sure, we tried again. I never knew I could potty so much in such a short time but your mommy was very excited!!

 What can I say?? I was (and still am) in total disbelief!! Besides, there were three in the box so I figured "why not?" Your daddy asked me how many times I was going to potty on a stick!! :)

After the third test I couldn't sit still. I paced back and forth with my hands shaking and sweaty. My heart was beating like I just ran a marathon although I'm lazy and pace slow so I hardly use an exertion at all. These three tests with those two little lines, that means God released you to me!! Even after these tests I wanted to be positive about it so I made an appointment at the doctor immediately! After over an hour wait, your daddy and I got the news that we were indeed pregnant!! :D

Today I am five weeks pregnant with you. This is what you look like, you are 5 mm in length...soooo tiny!  You look like a baby mini (really mini) manatee! (We will show you those when we go visit your Mimi and Aunt Prplgrl in Florida!) You don't have fingers or hair or anything really right now but your brain is developing. I know you are going to be a smart baby b/c your mommy and daddy are pretty smart too (but don't tell him I said he's smart cause he'll get all big headed).
 

I can't wait until you're old enough for me to hear your heart beat. I can't wait until you're old enough to hear mine and I want you to know that my heart beats for you and your daddy. I've waited sooooooooo very long for you and every day that I have you will be the greatest day of my life.

Grow well, Kitten.

Love,

Your Mommy